How to Show Up for a ​Loved One After ​Pregnancy Loss — Five Things That Actually Helped Me

A gentle note before we begin: this post mentions pregnancy loss in detail. If today isn't the day for this one, that's okay. Come back when you're ready.

I remember recounting all the harrowing details of losing my daughter to a really close girlfriend. She ​has one of the most genuine heart​s I've ever encountered.​ She responded with a lot of the usual responses. "Everything happens for a reason." "God had another plan." "She's in a better place.​" As someone who was drowning in grief and actively struggling with the ​"why,​" those sentiments didn't feel helpful at the time.

It was at that moment I realized something, though: I​ probably would have said the exact same things had I not just gone through hell myself.

This person was trying her absolute best to hear me out, offering anything she could in an attempt to make me feel better. I learned that there is no ​universal "right thing​" to say — and if someone is particularly good at handling grief, they've probably been through some dreadful times themselves. I would not want that for her. Instead, I​ was just thankful for her intentions and her showing up.

Everyone navigates grief differently, and there's no formula that works for every person or every loss. But I've spent the last several months on both sides of this experience — receiving support, and trying to figure out how to support others — and I've learned a few things along the way.

This post isn't about making anyone feel bad for what they've said in the past. This is about giving you a few tools for the future, because the people in your life who are grieving need you to keep showing up, even when you're not ​quite sure how. Here's what I've learned​:

1. Never Start With "At Least"

I once received an "At least she passed at 6 months and not ​at 9 months, or at birth."

Quantifying someone's pain based on the timing of their child's death ​doesn't make it any easier to carry.​ There is no version of "at least" that helps. Not because the person saying it is unkind, but because​ there is no comparison that makes a loss smaller, and reaching for one — even with the best intentions — can leave the grieving person feeling like their pain is being measured instead of witnessed.

​I​t's best to stick with​ things along the lines of  "I'm sorry​ for your loss." "I'm thinking of you." "I don't know what to say, but I'm here." All of these are always kind, and always enough.

2. Just Do the Thing

"Let me know if you need anything" is one of the kindest, most common things people say — and I genuinely appreciated every ​single person who said it to me. But here's the truth: most people aren't going to reach out, even if they desperately need something.

So instead of offering and waiting, just do the thing​ you were thinking about. If you're thinking, I should bring ​f​ood​.​ Show up with it. If you're thinking, I should reach out. Call them. ​It's likely that the person wading through the grief barely has the capacity to function​, so just do the thing.

3. Intentions Matter

​Butterflies remind me of Sophia. 9 months later, one of my best friends sends me videos of butterflies while on her walks and says things like, "Sophia visited us today." Just hearing her name​, and knowing she's being remembered​, lights me up every single time.

Another friend sent wildflower seeds to attract butterflies to our garden. Another sent personalized wind chimes that now make us think of Sophia whenever we hear them in the breeze.

Each of those moments reminded me that someone ​was remembering that Sophia was a person — not just an event in my life that happened and ended. That's the whole gift, really. Being remembered as a mother to a child who existed, even briefly. Knowing other people are remembering her too is priceless in a way I don't think I can fully put into words.

4. Cover the Basics

I cried ​almost every single time someone dropped off food, or sent a DoorDash or Uber Eats gift card​. ​Our community truly showed up for us, and it deeply touched me to know we were being thought about.​ We had food every day for a month!

Grief makes even the most basic functioning feel impossible. Deciding what to eat, returning baby items you no longer need, canceling a registry, picking up your other kid(s) from ​activities — these small logistical things become enormous when you're also trying to survive the bigger thing happening inside you.

If you see a practical need, fill it.

5. Show Up

​One of my best friend​s texted me this, and I've never forgotten it:

"I think of you every single day, and I will continue to call you daily as I usually do. If you feel like talking, I'm always here. It's never too much. And if you don't feel like talking, please feel free to ignore my call. No pressure. I just want you to know that I love you."

She never made me perform being okay for her​. She just kept showing up, no matter which version of me she got that day.

That's the whole list, really. Everything above is just a way of saying: ​just keep showing up.

I'm not an expert on grief​.​ I don't want to be. But I've lived through enough of it now to know that the people who showed up — imperfectly, but consistently — are the ones I'll never forget. They may not have always had the "right words," but they stuck by us in the trenches.

If you're reading this because someone you love experienced a pregnancy loss and you don't know what to do — start with any one of these five things. If this resonated, please share it with someone in your life who might be supporting a friend through loss right now.